


feel special

by Anonymous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 4 a moot bc they deserve this, Anxiety, Coming Out, Fluff, Non-binary character, YES!, canon ?? ish??? yea, enby chan, just a lil, just cuz, lapslock, like actually just a bunch of fluff, no au just . yeah, sorta like a 5+1 fic but like with all the members, they are NERVOUS!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26300260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: chan has come to a startling realization at the unholy hours of the night.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Everyone
Comments: 5
Kudos: 86
Collections: Anonymous





	feel special

**Author's Note:**

> for my moot <3 im really only good at writing so i wanted 2 write this <3 besides i need the writing practice skdfsk so yeah
> 
> *EDITED*

i.

it's not like chan _means_ to overthink, rather, it's more of his mind running on overdrive from producing tracks left and right. he can't say he doesn't enjoy it—he loves it, actually. anyone would be a fool not to see his love for music and everything it holds dear. but, like any other human being, he needs his breaks from time to time, and so here he was. scrolling through twitter, the clock glaring an ugly 4:03 am back at him. it doesn't affect him as much as it should, he's stayed up for far longer. the headphones over his ears slip off slightly as he lays back against his chair but he really doesn't have the energy to adjust them. all the other members are asleep at the dorm, anyway, so he really couldn't care less.

but his mind isn't focused on all of that, rather, chan's mind has been in overdrive over one specific reason.

maybe it started as innocent curiosity. chan knew there had been people out there who identified differently. there was nothing wrong with that—hell, some stays he had seen had definitely told him such. it didn't matter all that much to him. as long as people were happy how they were happy, he wasn't one to intrude. but of course, he couldn't help but perk up at any new information he had learned about people who had identified differently. their experiences, their feelings, what not to do and what to do... he was just curious, he was sure of it. besides, chan didn't want to be mean, and maybe in the future, he'd have a friend who would experience these feelings. maybe a stay would talk to him about it—he just had to be prepared. 

that curiosity eventually tipped on the edge of research. he wouldn't tell anyone, but deep into the hours of the night where he knew nobody was watching, he'd be researching, asking, searching for any answers about those experiences. maybe it was something he was deeply empathetic towards, he didn't want to think of it too hard. but even as he continued researching, he couldn't help but feel the bubbling feelings of somewhat relating to certain experiences. chan was told he was empathetic, so maybe he had taken it a little too far, something he was really empathetic towards others about.

but as he continued to search and read through blogs and posts, he came to a stark realization that same night. when the clock hit 4:14, he had known why he was desperately searching, why he had been relating to their experiences. 

they were trans. 

it made them widen their eyes as they realized it. chan was _trans._ more specifically, non-binary. 

(there goes his luck on trying to produce a track that night.)

it's not like there was anything wrong with them being trans. if anything, referring to themselves with these pronouns made them feel a little bit giddier. they were trans! they had... they had a word for what they felt, there were other people who were also feeling the exact same way! and they've been this for a while, they just hadn't realized. they... they were surprisingly happy with the realization, a soft smile plastered on their face as they referred to themselves. 

(chan knew that it'd come crashing down—considering where they lived, their family, their friends, their _members_ would have to know, even their managers, maybe nobody else would know besides them. but they didn't wanna dwell on that.)

the smile on their face never left, even as they opened up a document to write, even when they began to pound out lyrics at a pace nobody had ever seen from them before. 

ii.

the first person chan decided to tell was kind of obvious.

they knew the members might not have understood. they didn't want to assume they _all_ knew what non-binary was; chan even had to research on how to explain it properly to some of their members just in case one of them hadn't understood when they had told them. regardless, they knew there was one person for sure who would (likely) understand it, or, well, at least would have some idea on what it was. they just didn't expect the opportunity to come so soon, really. 

"chris..." 

(they tensed up slightly at the name—they weren't really sure if they liked it or not. chan was fine, but chris? they'd have to try it out to see if they really continued liking it or not.)

"felix? what's wrong?" chan spoke hushed, looking up at the boy, vaguely making out his pout in the darkness. "anything happen? nightmare?"

the other just shook his head, motioning towards the bed. chan unconsciously smiled at the action, moving a little backwards so the other austrailian could lay down. they could make out a small smile on felix's features. they assumed it got bigger as soon as they hugged him closer to their chest. chan couldn't make out exactly how the younger looked from this angle—felix's back was pressed against his chest—but they were sure the other was content. maybe that's how they realized it'd be perfect.

"felix?"

he whined sleepily.

"there's something i gotta tell ya."

"hm?"

"i'm, uh, non-binary."

"oh... oh!" the other exclaimed quietly, "that's epic, chris—wait, should i keep calling you that?"

"ah, uh, just use chan for now." they murmured. "i've been figuring a lot of stuff out and i hope you can deal with me being, well, all confused about certain things."

they felt movement underneath them; they came face to face with felix, his expression gleaming even in the night. chan was about to speak before being suddenly tangled in a (somewhat) laying down hug.

"i'm proud of you, chan-hyung," he whispered, "i'm so, so proud.

i remember how nervous i was when i came out to you all... i'm so proud of you, chan. did you tell the others yet?"

"not yet," they couldn't help tearing up again at the words, sniffling to themselves quietly, "i wanted to do it sometime soon. to um, not everyone at once."

"don't cry!" the boy chuckled, gently wiping at their eyes. "that's understandable."

"yeah."

the silence continued on from there but it wasn't awkward. it was comfortable. chan knew felix was bound to be asleep any second now. and although they knew they'd be sweaty in the morning from a clingy felix, they couldn't really bring themselves to care. not when the warm feeling spreading all over was from his words, and not his overall body heat.

iii.

the second and third was kind of hitting two birds (or in this case, members) with one stone.

chan had especially wanted to tell them early on since they knew if they hadn't then it'd probably do _something_ to their dynamic. they never wanted to ruin anything between the two, and they were sure hoping it stayed the same. regardless, they felt themselves tense even slightly when taking off their headphones and looking towards jisung and changbin, both of them deep in thought as they wrote lyrics and produced beats. they took one last look at the file on their computer, making sure it was ready to be played before disconnecting their headphones and instead plugging in earbuds. they shook slightly as they swivelled around to face them, trying not to make his nerves apparent. 

"guys?"

changbin was the first to snap out of his daze, staring back up at the other with a curious gleam in his eyes. he nudged jisung a few times, the younger groaning at him being suddenly ripped away from his lyric-writing. chan couldn't help but feel a little guilty that they were taking their time, but they knew they had to. it had to be now. they might chicken-out of it later. besides, they were sure that this was the perfect way to tell them; it was in their language, all of theirs.

"what's popping, man?" jisung spoke, snapping chan back to the present. 

"you seem a little tense, channie-hyung," changbin noted, his eyes sharp but caring, "are you okay?"

"yeah, hyung, you can tell us anything you know!" jisung exclaimed, obviously trying to keep his tone light but they could pick up on the small hint of underlying worry.

"well, i kinda made this new track—"

"oh god, were you nervous about showing us a track? seriously hyung?"

"changbin, no!" they huffed, lips quirking up at that, "just, um, give it a listen, will you?"

the other two came closer, obviously expecting chan to play it outloud throughout the studio like they usually would. they quirked their heads when chan handed them earbuds, one side for each of them, very much confused but going along with it. letting out a shuddering breath, they pressed play and turned away, unable to face them until they had finished the song. glancing every now and then, they noticed the occasional head nod and widening eyes; chan couldn't bring themselves to stare for too long, they were scared.

"so, um. how was it? the... the beats and t-the... lyrics."

changbin was the first to do anything after hearing them speak, instantly pouncing to give chan a hug. he squeezed him tightly, almost as if they'd disappear any moment or second then. chan chuckled a little, patting his head before speaking again,

"changbin, i can't—i can't breathe let me go!"

"binnie doesn't wanna let go of channie!" the other lessened his hold, faking a pout, "binnie wants to give channie _all_ the love!"

they cringed slightly at that, "changbin please—"

"hyung!" jisungs voice was loud. "nice lyrics, though, i think the bass could use a little more work. same with the guitar—you do know i'm taking guitar lessons for a reason, right? maybe i can do the guitar for you in the second verse!"

and maybe they felt just a little bit dumb that they were so nervous from before—jisung and changbin had their own way of showing they accepted them and with that in mind, they smiled, instantly getting back to work on producing with all three of them.

iv.

the fourth was very much unplanned.

chan and minho had decided to stay behind in practice—both of them were trying to come up with some of the choreo for their songs. of course, they'd have to go over what they had in mind with the dance instructors later, but for now, it was mainly experiment; trial and error of sorts. minho had taken it upon himself to create a somewhat difficult part to master—chan could tell with the excitement radiating off of him that he wanted to teach it to chan right away. they grinned at that, obviously letting him teach them the new move.

of course, nothing was easy with minho. 

his new move was definitely, putting it simply, _hard._ chan had been a trainee for far longer than they wanted to admit, but even with all of those years under their belt, they were still unable to get it quickly. it made him appreciate minho all the more; the other was their main dancer for a reason, and they were glad that minho held that title under his belt.

regardless, they tried their hardest. chan knew it was taking them a long time—they felt almost burdened to minho but the other's eyes never stopped sparkling, encouraging in a way that was so _him._ they felt themselves soon become a little acquainted with the choreo, and before they knew it, they had gotten it completely right. they tried again, just to make sure, and sure enough, they had been able to do it a second time. and a third, and a fourth, and suddenly both minho and chan were cheering in delight at the accomplishment.

"i'm so proud of you!"

and maybe chan should've had a warning placed onto them when they were younger, maybe something like "caution! brain malfunctions every few days or minutes, treat with care." 

because when minho had spoken those words, they had gotten all mixed up, and suddenly blurted—

"wait, you know i'm non-binary?"

and silence enveloped them both, chan realizing what they had said. a look of panic crossed their eyes instantly, covering their hands with their mouth as quick as they could—but nothing could take back the words they had just spoken.

"well," minho started, shrugging as he spoke next, "no, but, i guess i'm proud of you for that too."

minho continued to praise their dancing as they processed the words, and suddenly, an ear-splitting grin tugged at their lips. 

it was unplanned but thankfully, it had gone a lot better than they would've expected originally, plan or no plan.

v.

fifth and sixth was also unplanned, in a way.

chan had definitely planned to tell seungmin next—but they didn't expect jeongin to be there too. 

both of them were grabbing a late-night snack together that particular day, and chan had taken the opportunity to tell seungmin as soon as they both sat down to eat some chips and just laze around for a while. chan had thought the other members were sleeping and thus, took it upon themselves to tell seungmin tonight as nobody else would be there to hear. both of them were silent, but it was the kind of nice silence. scrolling through their phones, just acknowledging that someone else is there for you. 

since the last times chan had told the others, their nerves were slowly dwindling down and down—at this rate, they were just ready to blurt it in front of everyone. but they didn't want that and although they tried to ignore it, they still had a lot of nerves that would refuse to die down even if their rational side told them otherwise. it happens to everyone, they guessed, but they wished it didn't.

"seungmin?" the other spoke hushed, not wanting to be too loud and trying to keep the conversation private. 

"yeah, hyung?" seungmin didn't look up from his phone, stuffing another chip into his mouth.

"i'm non-binary."

his chewing stopped for a second, turning over to face the other with a gleam in his eyes that hadn't been there before. chan smiled awkwardly, stealing a chip from seungmin's bag as they waited for a response.

"makes sense," the other shrugged, chan instantly sputtering in confusion.

"what?"

"i mean, felix and jisung have been slipping up sometimes. explains why they referred to you a little all over the place these weeks. i'm not dumb, y'know?"

"i never said you were dumb—"

and that's where the unplanned part came in.

there was a slight rustle from around the corner, both of them instantly quieting up at the noise. chan tensed up, was someone there? oh god, did jeongin or hyunjin hear them? they weren't ready to tell them yet. whoever was there didn't speak either—maybe it wasn't them? 

"who's there?" seungmin asked, a slight edge to his voice as well.

"hyung—" 

_oh fuck_

jeongin stepped out sheepishly, eyes downcast as if he was caught stealing the last cookie or something similar.

"i'm so sorry chan-hyung! i didn't mean to eavesdrop—i really didn't mean to!"

"h-how much... did you hear?" they questioned softly, feeling a gentle and reassuring squeeze from seungmin

"...all of it."

"are we gonna have a problem with it?" seungmin squinted at the younger. both of their shoulders relaxed at the violent shake of his head.

"no! of course not! i don't care what chan-hyung is—"

chan couldn't help but smile fondly at that, letting out a breath they didn't know they were holding. 

"thanks, innie. do you wanna eat some chips with us?"

the other seemed hesitant at first, but eventually smiled back.

"what flavor?"

and maybe that little unplanned part hadn't been so bad after all.

vi.

the seventh was the easiest.

they didn't need to plan, they didn't need to do anything, really. it was the easiest, and the last.

chan knew hyunjin had a big heart. chan also knew hyunjin was the second most softest member (they would love if they claimed the first spot themselves), and thus, they knew it wasn't anything to worry about. and maybe it was something else, maybe it was the way hyunjin seemed to be... similar. that'd be something that hyunjin had to figure out on his own. regardless, chan knew that nothing was going to go wrong. (even so, they couldn't help but feel just a little bit nervous. just a tad.)

both of them sat on the couch, hyunjin watching some new drama that he'd likely want to talk about for the next week. chan sat there quietly, scribbling lyrics into his already messy lyric-notebook of sorts. it was comforting, the two of them there. the other members had either left for the studio or had been lazing around somewhere in their own rooms. whatever they were doing, it didn't matter. hyunjin and chan were both there, together, and it just worked.

"hyunjin, i'm non-binary."

"huh?"

"non-binary. i'm non-binary."

the other paused his drama, turning to him with wide eyes and an open mouth. they couldn't help but feel a little nervous about the reaction, but they tried to push it down as best as they could.

"hyung... that's so cool! congrats—wait, is saying congrats even appropriate?"

the older giggled at that, "i mean, yeah, sure."

"congrats, hyung!" 

and as soon as the moment had started, it had left. hyunjin was back to focusing on his drama, albeit a new, happy gleam in his eyes. chan's heart warmed at that.

it really was the easiest.

+vii

chan was surrounded by all the members at their side. they were fast asleep all over the living room—some cuddled on the floor, on the couches, and some next to him. they let a fond grin bloom on their features, tearing up slightly at the sight of everyone so calm and at rest. everyone who they loved, everyone who had accepted them for... them. and when they let themselves close their eyes and drift off, they were, for the first time in forever, fully content.

**Author's Note:**

> i didnt beta this or proofread it so ummm if u see some mistakes or slip ups I am so sorry!!!


End file.
